10 Lessons From Miscarriage & My Journey With Infertility
You may have not realized it, October was miscarriage awareness month. It’s about as hidden as the fact that 1 in 4 women will have suffered from a miscarriage. Whatever stage of the pregnancy the miscarriage happened, the pain and devastation felt is similar to any pain of loss and grief.
Getting pregnant, if at all possible, is a lot harder than most people think, with one in 8 couples experiencing infertility issues. Infertility and miscarriage are still a highly overlooked and under-discussed experience, unless you’re personally dealing with it. So, to shed some light and honoring everyone who has experienced a miscarriage, I’m sharing some facts you may not know and how I reframed my thinking after my own experiences with miscarriage and infertility.
The Numbers
1 in 4 – the number of women in the US and the UK that have suffered a miscarriage
80 - the percentage of miscarriages that happen in the first trimester
7.4 million – the number of women aged between 16-44 in the US who had difficulty getting and staying pregnant. (US CDC)
6.1 million the number of women who suffer from polycystic ovarian syndrome. Affecting 10% of women. It is the most common cause of infertility and a factor in a number of miscarriages. (US CDC)
85 - the percentage of women who will have a successful pregnancy after one miscarriage
65 - the percentage of couples who have a successful pregnancy after 3 miscarriages
85-90 the percentage of infertility cases that can be treated by conventional therapies – surgery, medication (ARSM)
My Experience
Struggling with infertility now for almost 10 years, I suffered 4 miscarriages and experienced every day as a battle with my body. In part, it is a battle against a world where infertility is still taboo, with so much uncertainty and lack of understanding, but more importantly, it is a battle against yourself. It is a silent struggle to stay positive when every day you’re reminded of what you don’t have.
The comments ‘it will be okay’, and ‘you can try again’, never ease the pain, however well intended. Then if, like me, when you’re still battling fertility challenges, come the thoughts of doubting your ‘womanhood’. I blamed myself, I felt pain every time I heard of a friend or colleague who had successfully conceived, and then came along feelings of not quite ‘woman’ enough, and a story I held for years - how damaged and broken I was.
There are so many people struggling to get pregnant, for a variety of reasons and sometimes what they’re hearing from those around them, doesn’t help ease their troubles. Often, comments that might seem like simple suggestions are actually pretty hurtful to those having difficulty conceiving. Even asking a woman if she has children can bring the uncomfortable conversation of having to explain, or the looks when you say no, yet another painful reminder of what you don’t have and that everyone (it seems) expects you to. It is emotionally exhausting and one of the loneliest experiences. You can feel like no one understands.
The good news is there are a community of women and couples who do understand. There are more options and choice available than what you may first think. And it isn’t the end, it is just a different route and it’s more travelled than you may feel.
New Possibilities
With everything in life, there are always different ways to look at things that can bring you something new. Sometimes it’s hard to see it when we’re in the heart of the storm and it takes regular practice. It was a decision and practice I began to embrace after my last miscarriage. Instead of focusing on the pain and the lack of, I’ve chosen to focus on the lessons it has taught me, and all that infertility has opened up for me. I share them with you, in the hope it may spark something in your own journey or just to bring more awareness to this common life challenge.
1. Reminding myself often (sometimes daily) that my womanhood is not a result of whether I have children or not. Despite what the world may have told you, womanhood, is defined by no one but yourself. Your ability to conceive has nothing to do with how you choose to identify and how much of a worthy woman/person you are.
2. Giving myself all of the time I need to grieve each loss – and honoring and being with all of my feelings. So often we rush too quickly through the pain and emotions, often as others around us are not comfortable with them, or we think ‘we should be over it by now’. This creates more harm and will not heal the pain. Letting the emotions move through you is the only way to move through the wound, to acceptance and healing.
3. Seeing myself as someone with courage and resilience instead of inadequate and not worthy. The amount of strength it takes to get back up and try again, to pick yourself up after each devastation and to continue on dreaming and believing that one day.. and if not one day, I’ll be okay…It is not easy and yet it builds resilience in so many other aspects of your life.
4. I am capable of so much more than I realized – every time I wanted to give up, I’d scream, cry and be with my emotions and then shift to what was a new way of viewing things. It has shown me there’s nothing I can’t do or can’t face.
5. Remembering that there are always options if having children in your life is really important to you, whether you’re in a relationship or not. IVF, adoption, working with children and so many more...
6. Patience & faith are critical – I used to describe myself as not a very patient person – especially with myself, and yet the battle with infertility and indeed my experiences of intimate relationships in general, have taught me I have so much patience and that you never know what tomorrow will bring.
7. I am not alone – talk with other women. Share your story first if no one in your friend group has shared and see how many share similar stories of experiencing miscarriage or infertility come up. And if you are the only one in your friend group, share with other women – there’s a whole sisterhood of women and couples, who are and have experienced this.
8. Nothing is wrong with me. This is always a central fear/thought…why me, what is wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? Remind yourself: I am not broken. I am full and complete exactly as I am.
9. Loving my womb – whatever your condition or reason whether you know it or not spread love to your womb/area of your womb. There are some great womb healing trauma work, essential oils and holistic rituals, that can help spread love and restoration to a place we may have neglected, from our own internal pain.
10. I am thankful for what I do have – sometimes we focus so much on what is not present, we ignore what we do have. I am blessed with so many wonderful experiences, so much love from family and friends, I was a ‘mother figure’ to my ex-husband’s two children and still get to love them today, a proud Auntie of two adorable children and a Godparent and chosen auntie for so many of my friends’ children who I love dearly.
As I focus on all that I currently have, I am reminded that this is a journey and one, that whilst I didn’t choose it, chose me for a reason. I may still not fully understand it, yet I am now accepting, embracing and knowing that I can choose and co-create new stories and pathways. My vision of family and motherhood may look different from what I first imagined, yet I know it will be filled with love, joy, abundance and grace.
If you are battling with infertility and would like to talk or share your story reach out to info@fearlesshe.com We’d love to hear from you.